DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
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What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
oh you like architecture? name three walls
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?