interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
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[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados