imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
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me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…