The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
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As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids