Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
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You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Me as a therapist: omg same
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
Only short people can save us
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.