This is like the worst pick up line Iβve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
π©π€ππ€£ππ€¦πΌββοΈ
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*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
I hope this email finds you well. But if youβre well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly Iβd feel better if this email finds you unwell.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didnβt hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
βin case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human headβ
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg itβs you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I donβt think thatβs a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and heβs halfway to Canada.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
βshe was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her carβ
~police asking for help in my disappearance