[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
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My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
english majors be like furthermore
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat