Schrödinger’s Dumpster
You Might Also Like
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba