I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
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Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?