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If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*