Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
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Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?