[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
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ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.