Denise please return my vape pen
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Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
Bill is short for Billiam
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight