You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
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Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too