me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
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I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
I just love that new Pope smell.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?