You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
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My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
“Huge”.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.