Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
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Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
i love modern commerce
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
how to exercise your calf muscles