Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
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Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
Natty or not?
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm