I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
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i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
“you recording!?”
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
wtf is an acronym