“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
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WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
fixed it
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.