I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
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Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
Banking tips
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
awkward
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.