Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
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interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.