my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
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It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.