i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
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[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
Bro what is this
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.