I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
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THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court