Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
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What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise