I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
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My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?