We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
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Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.