[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
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Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
then why did i get this email
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.