Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
You Might Also Like
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
He’s dead
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”