I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
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I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.