Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
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Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING