“OMGJK” -atheists
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PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.