I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
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the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Damn what did I do next
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
selfie game
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this