Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
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I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
can’t bark with your mouth full
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.