Who.
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Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard