Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
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[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG