the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
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*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.