Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
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I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.