To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
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Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Squirrels before girls.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
LOL
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
If snakes were wide
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song