Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
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My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!