[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
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One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
What
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what