Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
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This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
me refusing to leave twitter
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself