Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
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[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.