When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
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*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
Body by sandwich.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.