Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
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Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
How to wake up a Beagle
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
uh oh
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*