I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
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Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
Perfect
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.