Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
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First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.