My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
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*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
I finally found a reason to live again.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR