does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
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Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.